Throw Me To The Flames

Assalamualaikum,

Hey, how are you guys doing? Welp, sekolah aku cuti seminggu sebab cuti deepavali. Sekolah lain pulak 2 3 hari je cuti. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to me either. The other school must be complaining kenapa tak cuti seminggu. And my school pulak mesti happy sebab dapat cuti seminggu. 

I guess it would be a privillage if there is no school holiday by this week. I've been went through lots of depression and anxiety this lately. And, bila duduk rumah je, mesti lagi depress. I can't tell you why but somehow school makes me contented even though ramai jackass, assholes, or judgemental people. The only thing I like about school is the people (hell no some of them jer), the teachers, my friends, educations and the tiredness of going to school that burns a thousands of calories and body fat in me which is worthy.

Depression is the side effect of dying. I'm dying right now. I feel hopeless and I think that I've made everyone disappointed. I wish I could just turn back time and make a new life of the beginning of the end. I wish I hadn't met my crush. I wish I hadn't be so premestic about boarding school. I wish I knew my responsibility towards my family. I wish I hadn't sit beside someone who laughs and talks a lot. I wish I could swallow my guts and face my fears. And I wish...

I wasn't exist.

Mama, opah, I'm sorry for being such a burden to you guys. I'm 16 years old and I just got lost track from my moral code. There is a world inside of me that I just can't have the control of it. I hate everything that I owe. I hate all of my imperfections and I truly am sorry for not being the kind of daughter and granddaughter that you guys want. I'm sorry for being useless and sorry for my deteriorated behavior. 

Forgive me.

aku tahu cerita kali ni dah hilang arah ke mana entah and semuanya takde kena mengena. My thoughts are like myriads and they are so difficult to be form into constellations. Biar aku sorang je faham. Cuz I knew that no one would.





Bukan Pelukis Jalanan, Bukan Doktor. I'm Lost On Track

Assalamualaikum..

Woahh! what a year! Seriously ever since I started to sign up into this form 4 life, I eventually don't give a damn about my education and I've turned into the laziest ass ever. I slept a a lot, eat a lot and most of all, bergayut dengan dajjal 24 hours. (in this context, dajjal means henpon android aku tuh..lulz)

Thus for all the above information, I failed most of my subjects for my end-year exam. 

It's funny. Dulu waktu form 2, form3, I thought I could handle all of these so-called-senior-life shennanigans. And then plan out what will happen 2 or 3 years later. Pehtu bajet cakap cammni: "Uhuk, nanti I nak belajar biology" "Hikhik ioulls nak jadi doktor pastu belajar kat negara 4 musim" "Hikhok my family is soooo going to be proud of meh"

All of those shits and stuffs tu are not real. Itu semua tipu. As I drag my ass into 16 years old life, you will face lots of peer pressures. What what? *gaya Farah* What what? What I mean peer pressures kat sini are like: 

1)seeing other people talented than you, then suddenly you wanted to be like them. Like, you're not taking baby steps. Instead, you wanted a drastic changes without acknowledging any basics about that certain talent. For example, drawing. Dan inilah yang sebenarnya terjadi kat diri aku. Aku terikut-ikut sangat jejak crush aku yang pandai melukis sampai aku lupa diri. I always tell myself "Seni itu penting" "Art overpowers everything on this Earth" "Art takdak pressure" "Seni senang nak belajar"

Wake up! Those are just satanic words that tried to deprive myself to fail in my life. Aku memang menyesal. Everytime I see my crush draws, I started to think that I want to be like him for the rest of my life. But self-conscious hit me hard enough and I realized knowledge and education overpowers everything. Right now, I will use my talent as a hobby. Not a permanent dream career. </3




2)crush tak pernah nak notice aku and the word 'crush' literally means crushing your heart and souls into millions of pieces. Welp, tapi sekarang aku dah okay and i've tried my best to forget him. Falling in love is fitrah manusia and everyone has the right to do that. But the problem is bila nampak je crush, aku akan bajet ayu and buat muke comel. Lulz cm haram jeh. 

3)kawan-kawan yang lazy-ass jugak and kuat gelak. Brr ni aku taknak story mory sangat. Nak pendam je dalam hati. 

4)ape lagi? Hmm ntah idk.

Actually there are lots of kinds of peer pressure I wanna list. Tapi biarlah. Sometimes the only person who knew all of these problem is my ex-seatmate, Sufi. I really miss sitting beside her and she misses us being together like we used too. Apa2 pun, ini semua cabaran hidup. I must have thhe strength to deal with it and have more positive mind and attitude when it comes to recognizing my true identity. 



"Beramal tanpa ilmu adalah sia-sia"
"Semua orang akan binasa, kecuali orang yang berilmu"
                                                                                  Imam al-Ghazali