Throw Me To The Flames

Assalamualaikum,

Hey, how are you guys doing? Welp, sekolah aku cuti seminggu sebab cuti deepavali. Sekolah lain pulak 2 3 hari je cuti. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to me either. The other school must be complaining kenapa tak cuti seminggu. And my school pulak mesti happy sebab dapat cuti seminggu. 

I guess it would be a privillage if there is no school holiday by this week. I've been went through lots of depression and anxiety this lately. And, bila duduk rumah je, mesti lagi depress. I can't tell you why but somehow school makes me contented even though ramai jackass, assholes, or judgemental people. The only thing I like about school is the people (hell no some of them jer), the teachers, my friends, educations and the tiredness of going to school that burns a thousands of calories and body fat in me which is worthy.

Depression is the side effect of dying. I'm dying right now. I feel hopeless and I think that I've made everyone disappointed. I wish I could just turn back time and make a new life of the beginning of the end. I wish I hadn't met my crush. I wish I hadn't be so premestic about boarding school. I wish I knew my responsibility towards my family. I wish I hadn't sit beside someone who laughs and talks a lot. I wish I could swallow my guts and face my fears. And I wish...

I wasn't exist.

Mama, opah, I'm sorry for being such a burden to you guys. I'm 16 years old and I just got lost track from my moral code. There is a world inside of me that I just can't have the control of it. I hate everything that I owe. I hate all of my imperfections and I truly am sorry for not being the kind of daughter and granddaughter that you guys want. I'm sorry for being useless and sorry for my deteriorated behavior. 

Forgive me.

aku tahu cerita kali ni dah hilang arah ke mana entah and semuanya takde kena mengena. My thoughts are like myriads and they are so difficult to be form into constellations. Biar aku sorang je faham. Cuz I knew that no one would.





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