The Days Are Like A Death Wish


Fikiran aku sekarang serabut. My minds are tangling like spider webs as I over think about everything that's gonna happen 140 days from now on. I am almost 17 and that age sort of a pain on the neck because...I am not sure if I'm ready or not to face the ultimate lifetime examination. The war. The one that points your future. SPM.

Sometimes I have the urge of crying when it comes about my recent marks, grades, and understanding and learning enhancement. It has been almost a year being a form 4 student and I felt that I have wasted such a precious time. I procrastinate. I did unvalueble shits. I laughed uncontrobally. I fcuked up. I cried over and over when there's a shadow of flashbacks about all the wrongdoings I've made.

I also have the urge to cry cuz I realized I am not as talented as people around me and I'm scared that I won't go further in my life. My most fear of all time is when I have the blink of imagining living in the cold dark life. "Bitch please failing and falling in certain circumstances is a one step to success". Fuck off. This is future I'm talking about and you expect me gonna make the same mistake after all the oppurtunity and chances have given ? Hell to the no. The peeps at school are killing me because of theit goddamn attitude and those bastards think they're being original well actually they aren't.

Ya Allah. Lagi setahun je weihh

Lagi setahun je and I'm sure I would save my ass from here if I have the determination and not easily giving up on anything.

Aku berusaha. Aku berdoa. Aku berserah. Dan aku redha. Kalau aku berjaya, alhamdulillah. Kalau aku gagal, itu kehendak dan qada Dan qadarNya. I have no capable and the strength to change His fate. Therefore I just gotta have to accept it and move on. 

"Mama tahu aliah dah tak tahan, tapi please setahun lagi je kat sini. Belajar la bersungguh-sungguh."

I will mom, I will insyaallah.

Fading Myriads


Hai. I've tempted and would like to post something today even though I don't have the mood to. I don't know.. I've been hooking up with tumblr this lately and my muse came in just like an endless flowing river every time I reblog. Oh, muse. You came in my mind with such a weird a way (= Lagipun, purpose aku nak tulis entry untuk harini also to improve my english 'cuz I realized my language doesn't sound appealing like it used to when I talk to people.

Lets get started, bros !

I'm worthless bastard, forgive me
I had already checked my grades for this recent final examination. The results were awful, worst, unpleasant, poor and absurd. Aku tahu, sometimes we're up and sometimes we're down. But when you and everything luxurious and fame that you owe landed at the point where people around you started to think that you're despicable, you're extremely fcuked up. I feel so lifeless and my self-esteem deteriorates constantly and I feel ashamed as well. 

I feel ashamed of everything 'cuz honestly, I have always thought that I could do it. I know it's good to have that kind of confidence but somehow, it started became bad when I tried to brag about my ability and confidence to my friends. I bragged to them that I have the basic skills and knowledge in class and stinginess overpowered me. Plus, I didn't do any sufficient revision and exercises and my relation between me and Allah has become obscure. 

There are like lots of sins I have done in this vicious world. And I could not tell you guys what have I done. I could not form the images that I pictured in my mind into a state of words. I'm sorry for being completely's just that..i'm depressed and I could not define everything what I need to say.

"do you ever just get the overwhelming urge to cry because you think you’re not going to go far in life because you’re not as smart or as talented as the people around you?"

It's you
Okay, talked about schools..I wanted to tell a little saga about my crush's enhancement. But before that I would like to remind here that I'm doing just well, dah tak macam dulu dah. What I mean is I'm trying my best as I could to forget him day by day. As i'm forgetting him, his passion started to grow and I could see it day by day either. 

I totally admire and fell in love with all his paintings and murals which he's doing right now at school. I love everything that he owe, all the imperfections and the erratic damages he made blooms my heart. His spectacular skills and talent make me even more prouder at him and I know..I'm sure he will going further in his life. Dear you, i'm proud of you and keep up the good work. Stay adorable. Stay talented. And the most important is, stay humble and always remembering your roots. You are phenomenal and the most amazing guy I've ever fell for :)

you were my 3 a.m thoughts.

Actually I have lots of things to write in here. Probably I'll post more about it later. Byep !