Hari Anugerah and H


Cool-breezy wind hit into my face as I sat down in the school's garden.
Then I saw you glanced right next beside me, and am very privilleged by the smirk you gave as I smiled to you.

Never, ever in my mind expecting you to come to this event.

You looked great. Always have. With those creamy-white slacks longing up upon your torso, which really suits with your formal shirt. I am fond by your spectacles, the bestest thing whenever I get to see your face. And I'm absolutely in love with your new haircut.

You sat behind me in the hall. I heard you art-talked with your friends. And every word, every single word came out of your mouth. They made me feel like the way music does. Every of it seems to turn into love song. I love it how you pour all of your expression and passion to others. 

The best thing was, when you walked on that stage with the black blazer and how exquisite the look on your face when you received those prices. I'm so damn proud of you.


Aku bangga gila bila nampak kau naik atas pentas.
Dengar cerita yang kau akan interview esok.
I love it the way you hold your trophy, and the look on your face was totally one in a million.
I'm infatuated by your husky voice whenever you speak.
The way you walk, to the way you talk.
Serious ah aku bangga dengan kau.

Cuma. Bila aku dah ada peluang, dapat jumpa kau harini...I still didn't have the guts to congratulate you. At least a 'hi' would be nice. Today was the prove that God gave me the chance to at least have a small talk with you and to make the confession that i've been holding on for so long.

Tapi aku yang bodoh. Bodoh dan pengecut dan penakut sebab aku tak tegur kau langsung. Bodoh sebab tak pakai peluang tadi.

Sampai sekarang aku rasa menyesal. I don't know how could I keep up with this cuz I couldn't bare the weight that has been on my shoulders for so many years. Aku takut yang aku takkan dapat jumpa kau lepas ni. I'm petrified that I might keep this feeling away from you for the rest of my life.

Bila aku confess, aku ketepikan semua rejection, acceptence, kau nak maki aku ke apa semua tu. Yang penting aku dah luahkan tu je. Falling in love sucks. It's harder when I have to wake up everyday and gotta to force myself carry this load on my chest. Susah.

Tapi, aku redha. Lepas ni, bila aku dah move on and madly in love with someone else, aku akan bagitau orang tu cepat2 yang aku sayangkan dia. Aku nak ubah perangai pengecut aku ni kalau boleh.

Still, you will always be first of everything tho.

bukan desperate. cuma luahan semata lelz.

adduuhh nak sedih2. meh sini aku payung gambar tadi.
ni pun aku bangga ngn korang jugak hahaha. (zoom muka aku aqil 
ngn zul zzzzz tido)

Aliah The Mess-Maker, strikes again !


Alhamdulillah semuanya dah dipermudahkan. I passed the JPJ's test a month ago and received my driver's liscence, I did some paintings, I learned to cook, I encountered amazing fandom materials, Pierce The Veil is going to release a new album "Misadventures" real soon (!!!!!! im so excited for this), I will always be an Arctic Monkey's fan no matter what, opah is healing and in the process of recovery and... I have some announcement to make here..

Good news. I received an offer from matriculation college and also...an interview for diploma in architecture in UTM ! Alhamdulillah ya Allah. And currently i am in the middle of preparing some ideas and inspirations for the interview course. Haihh tarikh interview tak keluar lagi BUT IM NERVOUS AS HELL RN. Hahaha takpela. Like my mom said, buat yang terbaik. I'm not really into architecture and stuffs but yah gotta at least make the effort tho. Tbh, i'm still frusturated that I didn't get the interview for TESL. Sad and depressing as well tapi nak buat cmmne kan. Rezeki takdak. And it's not the end of the world yet.

Plus, the reason I write here in this middle of the night is because...i feel that life is sorta confusing. It's like a minute ago you made an agreement to take this course, then second later you're just like wanna giving up and push it away after reality hit you in the ass. 

Earlier ago my mind was distracted by the thought of taking diploma in pharmacy. I made a research of it and i found out that I actually don't fit the amount of qualification that they require. I also found out that pharmacy is the second most toughess subject to pass after medic. Furthermore, they need at least B for chemistry in SPM. Right after I read all these nonsense(but most of them are true) shits, RASA DOWN GILA and im mad. Im really really mad.

I'm mad because i didn't gave my best for chemistry test.
I'm mad because pharmacy isn't something that I thought it would fit me.
I'm mad because...mom is always right. I should've listen to her ages ago. I should've just take the architecture course in the UPU form. I should've known and be aware of her the moment she asked, "Are you sure about this, Aliah?"

Ya Allah. 
Sekarang ni aku cuma redha dan bertawakal. Rasa nak nangis ada. Rasa nak give up pun ada. Memang betul la. Nak Allah berkatkan hidup kita, jaga solat dan jangan derhaka pada mak. Right now, i'm anxious of what will happen 3 months from now. I am fucking my own future right now. My filthy arrogant descision has made me selfish for all time.

Aku menyesal. Tapi dah nak buat cmmne dah. Upu dah submit and sekarang aku kena terima seadanya. Aku yakin sgt2 semuanya ada hikmah. Yang aku mampu cuma berdoa supaya Allah beri yg terbaik.  

i'm sorry ma, for not listening you. 

P/S: forgive me for the previous post. it was the lamest breakdown and i promise it wont happen again. and sorry for the grammar and spelling error. malas nak betulkan.

extras: congrats sebab kau dapat form 6 and temuduga seni lukis. i'm so proud of you. even if you're not mine, i will always look out for you tho. goodluck for making a good descision. goodluck finding new soulmate. if anything i hate makes your soul grow beautifully, then i'm happy for you. aku harap hati aku tabah supaya aku dapat confess dekat kau sebelum aku sambung belajar nnti. cuz i dont know if i have the strength to go further without telling you how much i like you.